Early Man: The Evolution of the Sensitive Type
Flowers are in fact the greatest invention since fire, mostly because they were literally the next invention. If you’re familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the cavemen had to get a lot craftier to impress their ladies once they were safe, warm, and well fed. Once a girl is warm, fed, and watching the Bachelor on her couch, she starts to wonder why she keeps you around in the first place.
The story of the florist starts with two men, cave men to be exact, Kruff, and his brother Urt. Kruff was your traditional man’s man. He was big, burly, and covered in a layer of hair so thick a bear might mistake him for her cub. Urt stood in direct contrast. He was small, meek, and so petite that a woman might mistake him for her baby boy.
Needless to say, Kruff was rolling in cavewoman affection, and Urt was getting about as much action as a member of a high school marching band. It’s said to this day that everyone who has ever played Dungeons and Dragons is a direct descendant of Urt, and anyone named Chet can trace their ancestry back to Kruff.
Kruff could have any woman he wanted, but Urt was a one woman kind of guy. By that I mean he had zero women, but he was in love with one in particular. This beauties name was Tuh, and no one in the land could miss her elegance and grace. I will admit that the bar for an attractive caveperson was not very high, but Tuh was the woman that looked the least like she had contracted a bad case of rabies.
Urt could deal with not having Tuh’s affection, that is, until Kruff decided he wanted her for himself. Urt begged him, and pleaded with him, but language wasn’t that developed yet so it was honestly hard for Kruff to understand what his brother’s series of grunts meant in the first place.
Before long, Kruff had won the affection of Tuh, and the two were together. The story goes that Kruff was able to win Tuh’s affection by smashing two large rocks into each other, destroying both of the rocks in the process. Urt saw this display, and realized that he would never be able to do anything even remotely as impressive or artful as smashing a rock into another rock, so he fled his home.
Urt ran so far that the land around him began to change. Instead of the barren home he grew up in, he found himself in a lush green jungle. In the jungle, Urt saw colors that he had never seen before. Colors he thought weren’t possible. In the center of it all, Urt saw the most beautiful color in the jungle, a purple flower. Urt had seen such beauty only once before: the beauty of his beloved Tuh. He knew he had to take the flower back to her, so that through the beauty of the flower she could see how beautiful she was to him.
So, Urt rushed the flower back to his homeland. He found Tuh preparing for the wedding, and he gave her this flower. She was in shock. She had never seen anything like it before. After being given such a gift, she knew who she had to be with. And thus, the giving of the flower was born.
The only way Urt could win the affection of his loved one and beat out the other suitors was through the beauty of a flower. And that was back then, when there were only like 5 dudes on the whole planet to choose from. We live in a world where women have seen Ryan Gosling. You don’t just have to be better than the captain of your high school football team, you have to be better than your girl’s mental image of what a relationship with Ryan Gosling is going to be like. And, unless you’re Zac Efron (One of the only men hotter than the Goss), you’re going to have to get crafty.
You might be thinking, ‘well this sounds pretty easy, all I have to do is get any girl one flower, and she’s mine.” NO! You’re forgetting that story happened thousands of years ago! You need to account for flower inflation! Every guy is getting their girl flowers now a days, so you need to show that you care more than every other guy! If only there was an easy way to get your girlfriend more flowers than the other guys can…
You need to get your girl regularly scheduled flowers. Imagine if Urt had given Tuh not just one flower, but one every month for the rest of her life! There’s no way he would have lost her in that ugly divorce in 5,000 B.C. when he found out she was cheating on him with a Mesopotamian dude.
When early man first started taking down wooly mammoths with hand crafted spears they carved from an oak tree, they probably didn’t expect that they’d be giving their women plants one day to win their affection. But, things change. The modern woman doesn’t need you around, so you have to give her something extra so she sees that all of the food wrappers you leave sitting around the house are worth it. If a wooly mammoth were to attack your house in suburbia, it would most likely be a woman fending it off with a spear: but it could be your job to congratulate her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers that you had sent to you that month.
Don’t be a Neanderthal, be the man with a bouquet of flowers in his hand that your woman deserves you to be.